to celebrate. the first one on the list is that i made it through the last year. and the second one is that all of it - yes all of it - helped me realize that i will always make it through. we are immortal, after all.
it was a year of childbirth (the closest i will likely come. seriously). the first nine months were crazy painful and challenging. and then came moments of joy, fulfillment and bliss that exceeded expectations. the challenging stuff was personal, emotional. and i suppose the fun stuff was, too. i did things like screen TTWC at the iconic arclight, win seven awards in iowa, and start working with a tv/film agency i already love (metropolitan!). and that's just naming a few of the brain-poppin awesomes.
so many of my friends also had a challenging time. all year it was
soul sisters
soul brothers
soul mates
and soul lovers
keep going
keep going
keep going
it seems everyone is ready for 2010 to be here and it is striking, wonderful, that there is a palpable sense of *excitement* about the new year. more so than i've ever witnessed. part of me wants to give 2009 the bird, but instead, this is me blessing it, letting it go and opening myself up to a magical 2010. btw, when i say magical, i don't mean it's magic. it's not magic or luck. it is awareness. imagination. exploration. meditation. manifestation. creation. and yes, it's all love <3
below is some poetry i wrote throughout the year. this little fishie is casting it to the sea like so many flower petals............
there is a cave in my heart
that is dark like a womb
my heart beats against it
the echoes a bouquet of ghosts
tossed into the universe
beyond the beyond
and somewhere out there
beyond the beyond
a child gazes up at its sky
and calls them the stars
wishes he knew where they came from
somehow feels connected
like they're part of his heart
as they whisper love in the dark
a blanket of hope that there's more
and when i gaze up at my sky
from right here
when i look at these stars
i feel that child
i wish i remembered
where they came from
the stars whisper
there's more
---
sometimes
the only thing i can manage to write
is tears
and at a certain point
they write themselves
and i go off
into a dimension unseen
i come back to novels
of wishes
etched onto my face
in a language i can't understand
i examine them closely
skipping ahead to see
how they end
---
you are the phantom
i am the dream
it never happened
and it all will again
over and over
eternity upon eternity
this fleeting world
that no one sees
the end of a breath
the silence of trees
falling in the faces
of gods on their knees
i take walks every day
hoping to fall in love
with a stranger
or a flower
or my self
i punch holes in the skyline
hoping to see beauty
in the danger
and the power
of this life
---
i don't want to write
any of this down
so that i can forget it
wash it away
like moonlit footprints
on the sands of time
carried out to the blackness
by the cold hard sea
wish that i knew now
what i'll know tomorrow
that none of it happened
that my heart isn't breaking
against the cliff of who we were
to each other
in the dark
wash it away
by the cold hard sea
---
rumors are written on bathroom walls
and faces of strangers
sinking old ships in the night
dreams are dancing on the edges of razors
and lips of lovers
sucking the seed till its dry
---
all that matters
is who you are
and who you pretend to be
a handshake
a heart break
a thin grin on a blue plate
a marching band
lost on a desert road
a marksman
hits a sleeping gate
you'll never quite remember
who you thought you were
cuz all the shiny mirrors
get lost inside the blur
of who you are
and who you pretend to be
and who you wish you were
---
the distance between these selves
an ocean of remorse
the space between two parallels
that will never ever meet
no matter that the force
could bend every bone
pretending that would work
but work's for those who still believe
that love is something earned
floating down the river
of tears that cut and burn
all those years of breaking
we finally have learned
the price
the cost
the moments lost
the price
the cost
kills any sense of worth
---
you're getting farther away
and so am i
i'm with change
and things that don't stay the same
we danced on that moment
like it was all there was
a dandelion
twirling in the fingers
of god
but i'm with change
and things that don't stay the same
i check the rearview of my mind
as you fade away
your shining silhouette
cuts away
i'm with change
i'm with things that don't stay the same
you're getting farther away
so am i
and with enough change
the moment passed
that shining dance
was left to linger
fading with the rain
---
don't go back to who you were that day
you gave all your sweetness away
tear up the ghost you've twisted
it's shifted
like a stranger, a lover
in a forgotten bed
you're sitting here on the edge of your world
whispering nothing into your own head
tear up the ghost you've twisted
it's shifted
don't go back to those empty ways
you kept your heart beating anyway
tear out the kisses, you missed it
it's shifted
like a prayer, a feather
on a dirty wind
you're lying here at the dawn of the pearl
shattering roses and everything red
tear out the kisses, you missed it
it's shifted
---
there are too many wounds
to play any more
the scars on our fingertips
changed who we are
i look in the mirror
for a clue
for an answer
the thing that stares back
is wondering too
where did she go
that girl that we knew
with scars on my fingertips
i read my face in the dark
and neither of us could've known
but both of us knew
the healing that comes
is not a return
but a river of rain
paving a canyon of fingertips
smooth
and nothing will ever be the same
and both of us knew
---
we are here to be alive
not kill ourselves
do the math on that
thank you, my dear fellow divine beings. we kept going. and now, again, still, forever, we are here. party at my pad!! :D
so much love,
alyssa taesun lobit
