experimental awesomes.

photos by athena and her holga aka "holgie" cuz everything is funner with a little pizzazz. like so.
NY
09
♥

change cannot exist in a world without fear.

in my opinion, pretending that there will ever be a time when no insecurities or doubts or fears come up is a waste and a lie. it is as in meditation: i do not seek to cease thoughts from coming. they will come. i seek to gently push them aside, allow them to pass through, or send them back into the void from which they came. this is my way. because as with all things on this planet and existence, duality exists. fear does exist. it is in my capacity to see above that that i can be an experience of pure love. but to deny the yin and yang, to deny alpha and omega, is to deny part of existence, the universe, what is and is not. it is when they are both at once and not at all that there is peace and purity. but both need be present for such a state to be. and being is what i'm into.

that said, i will not say i'll never be insecure or uncertain. i may be, and i will gently let it swoosh by, as an observer, not attached to it, and let it not attach to me.

some seem to think that at some point i will have enough success to not ever have doubt, uncertainty, fear. and i will ask those to examine their own path as proof. the ones who've had much "success," in whatever form. manifesting their goals into reality. making money. achieving notoriety. completing their game plans. or even, simply, being happy. and yet these people are constantly working toward more, evolving. not "more" as in "not enough," but "more" as in change and growth. it is the only constant, in fact. look at nature. even if it is super slow, it is happening. it is happening so slowy, but it is happening. i will give you that i hope to attain a stillness that resembles a plant, non-movement, non-existence. but it will still be there, tiny, tiny little movements. change doesn't occur out of same-ness. and a complete lack of something, i.e. fear, is same-ness. change cannot exist in a world without fear. it is what i do with that fear. it is whether i allow it to stick to me or move past. and i intend to allow it to move past me, thru me, or i will cast it on the divinity within me. but it will exist, come again. and to deny that is to deny this being i call mySelf. fear is a tool. and i aim to be aware of it, instead of suddenly ambushed by it, and i will use it to my own ends, regardless of what it had in mind.

things do have to break to change. creation and destruction. but i don't think that breaking must recklessly occur between people. that breaking is ideally within me. at a microscopic level, i hope. that is where i intend to get. to be. i touch it and feel it... i do. and it will come to a point where it is mostly what i touch and feel, and the in betweens and it are almost indiscernable. and the breaking looks like it's not happening at all. but then one day i'm a flower, full bloom. and then i'll wither and die and sprout again and all of it is in the blink of eternity. maybe this doesn't make sense to anyone. it doesn't have to. but it is why i've broken in the past. and i want not to break my heart more than it needs to be done. it starts as far out as i can imagine. the breaking stars, planets, countries, cities, people, friends, lovers, and then keeps coming in to me, my heart, my mind, my self, my higher self. i aim to contain the breaks to my self, possibly between me and my higher self. and mind you, these tiny ones, these tiny snaps, they are almost not there. almost. they are smaller than the firing of nerve endings. the kind of small that i can only see with my eyes closed because anything else is outside of me, outside of my cells, too big.

i do not want to break stars, planets, countries, cities, people, friends or lovers. and the irony is that if i don't, if i can manage to focus in like a laser and contain it to where it truly belongs, these things outside of me don't break in a reckless way. when i can be a plant, slow-mo change that the human eye can't discern, nothing outside of me breaks. it is symbiosis. so perhaps it's more a matter of discovery, this discovery, leading to the shift that will create the reality, manifest that version of is where i find myself surrounded by lovers, friends, people... a world... outward for infinite, that isn't so broken. one that isn't fractured and corrupt and dis-eased. it will be paradise. and all the gardens will be full of flowers that broke themselves to get that way. this is what i'm after. this is where i'm headed. and at the risk of sounding snobby, unless others reframe their understanding of... peace... i doubt we'll be in the same world. i'm actually not being snobby. i'm sure they'll land in a paradise of their own. but this explains why we won't be in the same one. trippy. one thing i do know, though. relationships have proven to me to be one of the most awakening tools. that, and art. they catalyze a quickening that is impossible to ignore. which is only a good thing.

of course, i do see the beauty in the breaking. i'm "perfectlybroken" ladies and gents! i think my mind trips on definitions of "breaking" and "broken" and all sorts of nuances therein. i break myself, and will break the world to be who i am. and who i am is me, you, god, pure consciousness, pure love. and when i break with that intention and motivation, that grace and eloquence, it doesn't look like breaking. it looks like growing.

right then, class. we all sufficiently confused? success!

what i learned, the revival.

that's right folks. this new A-Lo blogger nation means once again i will be re-capping what i learned, weekly, daily or whenever i feel like it. don't like it? blog yourself.

here we go.

i learned that curbs can flatten tires if hit just right. and the amusement potential is highest when there are plenty of onlookers. that i can see the faces of friends, even when i can't see my own, even in pitch black darkness. that fashion show runways are much smaller in person, like court rooms and actors. that i am not too classy, cool or old to sleep fully clothed in strange beds. twice in one week, different beds each time. that playlists save lives, too. that my highest self has my back, always, even when i don't know it. especially then. that yes, everything changes, but that can mean a seed growing into a tree. it doesn't have to mean that the seed is replaced by something totally different, like for example, a hammer (but sometimes that is the change and i gotta roll with it. it all just depends). that "rollin with it" is easier without edges. that one day all of this will make more sense. even the flat tire thing.

ps: what does the pic have to do with any of this? nothing. not everything has to be related or even have a point, people! jeebs. but i do think the shirt is cute and i'm wearing one of my brill necklaces. handmay! :)

"Be courageous enough to grow into the flower you are meant to be."

"flora" by nicoletta ceccoli

athena brought back some art from a curio in amsterdam
by nicoletta ceccoli which is absolutely to love love love.
maybe i'll post a pic of the one she brought that i framed,
but i just adore this one, too.

when we were kids we used to dance
and spin around with our arms out wide,
and dad called us little flower girls
little flowers
dancing
spinning
hugging the sky
cuz we could
kissing the sun
understood

---

[here's "angelica" framed]

good morning.

this is how i meditate.

out the box, bitchez.

ok so, i've decided to become a blogger. much as i dislike the term, after discussing it with a couple of my cohorts, i've realized that it's the best for everyone involved. and yes, that includes you.

the point of this blog used to be business-specific, i.e. relating to my adventures in LALA Land. but, well, quite frankly, that's what we call boh-raaaang. if you want to read about the trials and tribulations of an actress trying to make it in H-Wood, i'm sure there are plenty of other blahgs you can peep.

now, i may mention acting, the "biz" (and yes, i will use quotation marks thusly, cuz they are appropriate when the word is spelled like that and means what it does), and work type stuff.

BUT.

i will also use this space to record various random neural firings, and not all of it will make sense. poetry, pictures, little gems of wisdom, babble, a veritable cornucopia of grey matter. but at least it will be interesting. actually interesting. i will probably not use proper punctuation, nor capitalization, but anyone who knows me, knows that it's intentional (and therefore proper in a certain light. the alyssa lobit light).

so, for this landmark grand re-opening, i will talk about something extremely personal:

i colored my hair (again) today. i've gone from black (for "mourning my heart") to brown (for The Things We Carry) to blonde (for trying something new). and now, i'm back to black. ish. and i must say, i'm feelin it.

for a long time i've kept my hair a certain color or not left town cuz of my dedication to being an A+ acting client. well, fuck that anymore (o, and i will probably be profane here and there, but that, too, is proper for me). i have been teacher's pet as a client, and stayed after and done extra credit work, and where has this gotten me?? i've done some commercials (Bell Atlantic/Verizon, Pringles, Nokia and Kia [i know, wtf are the chances]). i've done a lot of theater, short films and i made a movie on my own (with the loving support and help of a bunch of other people, but you dig what i'm sayin). so, to re-cap, it has gotten me: boh-raaang!! i still would've been able to do the above and probably would've had a lot more fun if i didn't feel like a hostage, my look dictated by my latest headshot. given recent happenings, which have actually been marinating for the last year and half or more, i have taken back my power to look however i wake up, and go wherever my little feet take me. bravo alyssa! welcome to duh.

so then, my change in hair color isn't just an act of revolt against the biz'n'ass. it is also a very stereotypical response to some things goin on in my personal life. and no, i'm not gonna go into all that. but i have to say, it helps to change up the old hair color. and yes, i did it out of the box. out of a box. miss clairol, i believe.

so there you go. new hair color. everything always has a deeper meaning than that which is staring you in the face. it goes inward, forever. outward, forever. like the rabbit hole. welcome.