two thousand and ten reasons...

to celebrate. the first one on the list is that i made it through the last year. and the second one is that all of it - yes all of it - helped me realize that i will always make it through. we are immortal, after all.

it was a year of childbirth (the closest i will likely come. seriously). the first nine months were crazy painful and challenging. and then came moments of joy, fulfillment and bliss that exceeded expectations. the challenging stuff was personal, emotional. and i suppose the fun stuff was, too. i did things like screen TTWC at the iconic arclight, win seven awards in iowa, and start working with a tv/film agency i already love (metropolitan!). and that's just naming a few of the brain-poppin awesomes.

so many of my friends also had a challenging time. all year it was

soul sisters
soul brothers
soul mates
and soul lovers
keep going
keep going
keep going

it seems everyone is ready for 2010 to be here and it is striking, wonderful, that there is a palpable sense of *excitement* about the new year. more so than i've ever witnessed. part of me wants to give 2009 the bird, but instead, this is me blessing it, letting it go and opening myself up to a magical 2010. btw, when i say magical, i don't mean it's magic. it's not magic or luck. it is awareness. imagination. exploration. meditation. manifestation. creation. and yes, it's all love <3

below is some poetry i wrote throughout the year. this little fishie is casting it to the sea like so many flower petals............

there is a cave in my heart
that is dark like a womb
my heart beats against it
the echoes a bouquet of ghosts
tossed into the universe
beyond the beyond
and somewhere out there
beyond the beyond
a child gazes up at its sky
and calls them the stars
wishes he knew where they came from
somehow feels connected
like they're part of his heart
as they whisper love in the dark
a blanket of hope that there's more
and when i gaze up at my sky
from right here
when i look at these stars
i feel that child
i wish i remembered
where they came from
the stars whisper
there's more

---

sometimes
the only thing i can manage to write
is tears
and at a certain point
they write themselves
and i go off
into a dimension unseen
i come back to novels
of wishes
etched onto my face
in a language i can't understand
i examine them closely
skipping ahead to see
how they end

---

you are the phantom
i am the dream
it never happened
and it all will again
over and over
eternity upon eternity
this fleeting world
that no one sees
the end of a breath
the silence of trees
falling in the faces
of gods on their knees
i take walks every day
hoping to fall in love
with a stranger
or a flower
or my self
i punch holes in the skyline
hoping to see beauty
in the danger
and the power
of this life

---

i don't want to write
any of this down
so that i can forget it
wash it away
like moonlit footprints
on the sands of time
carried out to the blackness
by the cold hard sea
wish that i knew now
what i'll know tomorrow
that none of it happened
that my heart isn't breaking
against the cliff of who we were
to each other
in the dark
wash it away
by the cold hard sea

---

rumors are written on bathroom walls
and faces of strangers
sinking old ships in the night
dreams are dancing on the edges of razors
and lips of lovers
sucking the seed till its dry

---

all that matters
is who you are
and who you pretend to be
a handshake
a heart break
a thin grin on a blue plate
a marching band
lost on a desert road
a marksman
hits a sleeping gate
you'll never quite remember
who you thought you were
cuz all the shiny mirrors
get lost inside the blur
of who you are
and who you pretend to be
and who you wish you were

---

the distance between these selves
an ocean of remorse
the space between two parallels
that will never ever meet
no matter that the force
could bend every bone
pretending that would work
but work's for those who still believe
that love is something earned
floating down the river
of tears that cut and burn
all those years of breaking
we finally have learned
the price
the cost
the moments lost
the price
the cost
kills any sense of worth

---

you're getting farther away
and so am i
i'm with change
and things that don't stay the same
we danced on that moment
like it was all there was
a dandelion
twirling in the fingers
of god
but i'm with change
and things that don't stay the same
i check the rearview of my mind
as you fade away
your shining silhouette
cuts away
i'm with change
i'm with things that don't stay the same
you're getting farther away
so am i
and with enough change
the moment passed
that shining dance
was left to linger
fading with the rain

---

don't go back to who you were that day
you gave all your sweetness away
tear up the ghost you've twisted
it's shifted
like a stranger, a lover
in a forgotten bed
you're sitting here on the edge of your world
whispering nothing into your own head
tear up the ghost you've twisted
it's shifted

don't go back to those empty ways
you kept your heart beating anyway
tear out the kisses, you missed it
it's shifted
like a prayer, a feather
on a dirty wind
you're lying here at the dawn of the pearl
shattering roses and everything red
tear out the kisses, you missed it
it's shifted

---

there are too many wounds
to play any more
the scars on our fingertips
changed who we are
i look in the mirror
for a clue
for an answer
the thing that stares back
is wondering too
where did she go
that girl that we knew
with scars on my fingertips
i read my face in the dark
and neither of us could've known
but both of us knew
the healing that comes
is not a return
but a river of rain
paving a canyon of fingertips
smooth
and nothing will ever be the same
and both of us knew

---

we are here to be alive
not kill ourselves
do the math on that

thank you, my dear fellow divine beings. we kept going. and now, again, still, forever, we are here. party at my pad!! :D

so much love,
alyssa taesun lobit

interview with the sisters lobit

SDAFF Interviews Alyssa and Athena Lobit
http://www.sdaff.org/festival/2009/the-things-we-carry.php

that's all i got right now. but i think it's more than enough...
thanks lovies~
injoy,
alyssa

i change shapes.

boston was great fun! awesome city and the movie got a wonderful response. next up is san diego, oct. 18th. a second screening was added on oct. 22nd, too :) then it'll be home to hollywood on oct. 25th.

in the meantime, alana and nate's store -- No. A -- is lookin sweeeeet! i want it to be my personal closet. yessss.

& yesssssssssssssssssssssssssss

the things we carry to boston

monday, sept. 21 @ 7pm, the things we carry makes its world premiere at the boston film fest! this is the same fest that premiered reservoir dogs, which has special significance for me. reservoir dogs + quentin tarantino + robert rodriguez + "rebel without a crew" = the fire is now lit inside alyssa and she is hot on the path of becoming a filmmaker. that was so long ago! and this is now. so yeah, it pretty much rules. thanks for all the yip yips everyone! <3

of course, we still need our hdcam screener, and my fingers have the taint of red vines on them. which can only mean one thing: post never fuggin ends. everrrr. hah!

beantown, here we come.........

the things we carry to san diego

THE THINGS WE CARRY has been accepted to and will be screening at the 10th Annual San Diego Asian Film Festival :) The festival runs from October 15-29 and we'll keep you all posted as the details unfold.

http://www.sdaff.org/index.php

ABOUT THE FESTIVAL
Since 2000, the San Diego Asian Film Festival has earned an international reputation as one of North America's premiere Asian American film festivals for its excellent programs, outreach to the community, and support for independent artists. Entering its tenth year, the SDAFF continues looking for the best in Asian American and international cinema to showcase at its longest festival ever in celebration of its 10th anniversary, scheduled for October 15-29, 2009 at the UltraStar Cinemas at the Mission Valley Hazard Center

thanks for all the support and lubbs <3
more great news coming... more more more!!!!!!!

me love you

http://www.alyssalobit.com/flavors./

in case you missed it, new pics are up from our chinatown shoot. photos, hair and make-up by Athena Lobit. special thanks to Alana Lobit. props to Alyssa Lobit for not falling down. really.

exciting news about The Things We Carry coming soon, coming soon...

lost & found writings by alyssa taesun lobit

some poetry i found while toodlin around on my robot brain (that's a computer, people!).

. . .

every morning i wake up, hoping to remember
only the things which will help me look at the world
with eyes which have seen all that is
and decided to open anyway

. . .

i bought and sold
all the marks on
the map
the train becomes
another trap
a kite in the ocean
stuck upstream
in the maze of
misguided
chivalry

. . .

breaking waves on the sea of time
tell stories
just when you think you're someone
the little ache sells something
here, god lived until
something as nominal as
this
came out of lightning
in the summer
our best sins
escape the best of men
escape
the rest of them

. . .

she hid from the world behind her own shadow
knowing all along it was a plan
to cleanse the night
of itself, for itself
and mesmerized by her look
i walked right up to her
stepping on stars
swallowed by the sea
she took my heart in her tide
and pulled it close
then asked me what i wanted
lost in the dark
and washing away that which isn't me
i landed, toes first
a wave of serenity running through
this momentary labyrinth
to the humming sound of bliss
on the ears of an infant
reborn

. . .

i drift between these selves
between these nouns
that show me that i'm here
as they bump up against me
before they disappear
sometimes it hurts
sometimes it's dancing
sometimes we're both invisible
and nothing happens at all

i reach for balance still
trying not to make a sound
wondering if i don't care
or don't know that i'm free
sometimes it works
sometimes it's chance
sometimes i am indeed invisible
and the balance is a fall

. . .

there are people, precious people
who break other people, precious people
accidentally cracking them,
crushing them to little bits
they force their fearless fears
on tormented virgin ears
accidentally waking them
to wisdom fueled by bullets
and after all the fires fly
and after the show's gone home
what's left behind
is the subtle sound
of silence
ringing in the minds
of these people, all of the precious people

. . .

stuck together in reluctant matrimony
looking at one other out of convenience
as if to say
well, we're here, so...
these children of mine
forgotten breakdowns
filial takedowns
face me in chorus
confused at being flipped through
a rolodex of morose countenances
their proportions epic at the time
these tired ghosts yawning at being roused
their faces swollen and ruby
and all i can muster
is another nervous breakdown
so fast
it almost didn't happen at all

. . .

we humans, we gossip about beauty, death, love, and god
while everything else just is
just is beauty, death, love and god? or just is, as in just is?
as i said, we gossip . . .

. . .

i mark and go, tight-fisted
maybe i like it
you can't escape
try to
slowly like they're in sync
slowly slowly
thru all the deep ends
anytime
carcass and plaster
we bought this kill
equally empty
how could you cost a thing
insane and all
till feeling falsely
come here my darling
swallow, come in, come home
but i like it
we shower after all
clean what we can
i hate and stay
you like me
or like me for after
you cost a mere
lie
lying in the afternoon
the year is blue
insane in now
till telling
is taming
like a feeling could be
freed
must i see you
all of these mouths are mine
now comets
show and hide
i lost it
the grand dream
i fell nasty
for what was loud
all that allowed
was their gift
an endless supply
ultimate satan
hear them meow
they're tied to cliffs afar
till all their
shadows fall
after the meow
simply the calmest
goings on
they let their portraits fall
inside the hole
are they for me?

thus the stars spoke:

there is a cave in my heart
that is dark like a womb
my heart beats against it
the echoes a bouquet of ghosts
tossed into the universe
beyond the beyond
and somewhere out there
beyond the beyond
a child gazes up at its sky
and calls them the stars
wishes he knew where they came from
somehow feels connected
like they're part of his heart
as they whisper love in the dark
a blanket of hope that there's more
and when i gaze up at my sky
from right here
when i look at these stars
i feel that child
i wish i remembered
where they came from
the stars whisper
there's more

the things we carry trailer & website

the things we carry online!

aaaaand:



boom, she said.

thanks for all the support and excitement about seeing the movie! will keep everyone updated on where to check it. hopefully soon!

x
a

i hear things when i walk.

. . .
the world got quiet
sat still
like it does before an earthquake
and when it broke
it didn't fall apart at all
just got rearranged
so it could sit
more comfortably
on the lap
of the universe
. . .


yeh. that's me. and no, i didn't write that after the earthquake. that wouldn't make me much of a psychic, would it? everyone can see the past. i think.

fire away.

bullet points come in threes:
- i've finished writing my second feature, IT'S ALL LOVE, and we're in development with it. it's a quirky romantic comedy about a shy young woman who looks for love and finds a connection with a mysterious graffiti poet.
- THE THINGS WE CARRY continues to get a great response, and we're strategizing on what's best for the movie. trailer and updated website coming soon!
- tennis is my new favorite exercise.

don't call it a comeback, i've been here for years.

sometimes it takes 17,000 years to see the light. and sometimes what it looks like is a hand, reaching for light.

this is a new pic from NASA's Chandra X-Ray Observatory. the full article: Cosmic Hand Reaches for the Light.

i love the universe. outward, forever. inward, forever.

-a lo

what i iz learning'd:

that sitting with a tree is like sitting with an old, wise friend. that i'm addicted to natural things like figs and cashews and serenity. that even cute things are annoying when they're needy, but still, Love is considerate. that i'm inclined to re-structure in constructing my various expressions. that the miniscule moment when the pieces first fit is bliss, with brain-side fireworks. that this playground is a hodge-podge of child-people with varying degrees of wisdom, knowledge, experience and emotional wherewithal. sometimes i'm the duck, sometimes i'm the goose; sometimes i'm off to the side playing tether ball. and finally, again, that i must use my power for good.

&hearts,
a bit

new peeks.

just one of the benefits of having a ridiculously talented sister. photos by Athena Lobit. posing by Alyssa Lobit.

they've been added to the gallery on AlyssaLobit.com if you just can't get enough.

this is the montage.

the part where all sorts of shifts and learnings occur, and the minutes, hours and days in between are cross-dissolved into obscurity. only it's in slow-mo, sans edits, so it's a little less watchable by others. but the pieces feel like a nice stretch in the morning, complete with audio. pop! ahhh.

"Just keep your longing burning, aflame; don't lose heart. Your longing is the seed of your spirituality. Your longing is the beginning of the ultimate union with existence." - OSHO

and here's a rare illustration of a real-time montage of sorts, covering so much of life in under a minute. note that the subject places his finger in danger on purpose the second time. i've done that before. but it all ends smiling...



keep it real, rockstars.
<3

"winter always turns into spring." -Nichiren

yes, it does. (thank you allen ♥)

and yes, i stopped to take pictures of proof. (thank you mom ♥)



and yes, spring doesn't officially start until march 20th, but i'm not gonna send it back just cuz it came a couple days early. (you're welcome ♥)

prezzy view = shizzy photo

this picture took a thousand words and smooshed it into one: smoggy. oh weo. it happens sometimes.

actually, after further review, i realize: the view is pretty in the pic, too. it's just not what my eyes saw! marinate on that...

three things & some change:

1. after a while, wearing a gas mask feels normal. which is a bit freaky.

2. athena and i finally re-worked our short: life, still.



this will probably always be one of my faves. those are all still images!

3. the moon looked glorious tonight.

. . . . . . .

(bricolage'd from various writings, AKA plagiarizing myself.)

my mind attempts to own my soul
the cracks are here to let the light shine through
and finally
these masks called faces fall away
i am growing my heart to fit the love coming in
and the love going out is easy
this morning i saw the sun,
a ray hitting a building in a way
that was new
but felt like years ago
fresh and nice,
not weighed down by anything

ear plugs make me sick.

as in, they give me sickness. as in, if i wear them, i get the flu. wtf, yo.

experimental awesomes.

photos by athena and her holga aka "holgie" cuz everything is funner with a little pizzazz. like so.
NY
09
♥

change cannot exist in a world without fear.

in my opinion, pretending that there will ever be a time when no insecurities or doubts or fears come up is a waste and a lie. it is as in meditation: i do not seek to cease thoughts from coming. they will come. i seek to gently push them aside, allow them to pass through, or send them back into the void from which they came. this is my way. because as with all things on this planet and existence, duality exists. fear does exist. it is in my capacity to see above that that i can be an experience of pure love. but to deny the yin and yang, to deny alpha and omega, is to deny part of existence, the universe, what is and is not. it is when they are both at once and not at all that there is peace and purity. but both need be present for such a state to be. and being is what i'm into.

that said, i will not say i'll never be insecure or uncertain. i may be, and i will gently let it swoosh by, as an observer, not attached to it, and let it not attach to me.

some seem to think that at some point i will have enough success to not ever have doubt, uncertainty, fear. and i will ask those to examine their own path as proof. the ones who've had much "success," in whatever form. manifesting their goals into reality. making money. achieving notoriety. completing their game plans. or even, simply, being happy. and yet these people are constantly working toward more, evolving. not "more" as in "not enough," but "more" as in change and growth. it is the only constant, in fact. look at nature. even if it is super slow, it is happening. it is happening so slowy, but it is happening. i will give you that i hope to attain a stillness that resembles a plant, non-movement, non-existence. but it will still be there, tiny, tiny little movements. change doesn't occur out of same-ness. and a complete lack of something, i.e. fear, is same-ness. change cannot exist in a world without fear. it is what i do with that fear. it is whether i allow it to stick to me or move past. and i intend to allow it to move past me, thru me, or i will cast it on the divinity within me. but it will exist, come again. and to deny that is to deny this being i call mySelf. fear is a tool. and i aim to be aware of it, instead of suddenly ambushed by it, and i will use it to my own ends, regardless of what it had in mind.

things do have to break to change. creation and destruction. but i don't think that breaking must recklessly occur between people. that breaking is ideally within me. at a microscopic level, i hope. that is where i intend to get. to be. i touch it and feel it... i do. and it will come to a point where it is mostly what i touch and feel, and the in betweens and it are almost indiscernable. and the breaking looks like it's not happening at all. but then one day i'm a flower, full bloom. and then i'll wither and die and sprout again and all of it is in the blink of eternity. maybe this doesn't make sense to anyone. it doesn't have to. but it is why i've broken in the past. and i want not to break my heart more than it needs to be done. it starts as far out as i can imagine. the breaking stars, planets, countries, cities, people, friends, lovers, and then keeps coming in to me, my heart, my mind, my self, my higher self. i aim to contain the breaks to my self, possibly between me and my higher self. and mind you, these tiny ones, these tiny snaps, they are almost not there. almost. they are smaller than the firing of nerve endings. the kind of small that i can only see with my eyes closed because anything else is outside of me, outside of my cells, too big.

i do not want to break stars, planets, countries, cities, people, friends or lovers. and the irony is that if i don't, if i can manage to focus in like a laser and contain it to where it truly belongs, these things outside of me don't break in a reckless way. when i can be a plant, slow-mo change that the human eye can't discern, nothing outside of me breaks. it is symbiosis. so perhaps it's more a matter of discovery, this discovery, leading to the shift that will create the reality, manifest that version of is where i find myself surrounded by lovers, friends, people... a world... outward for infinite, that isn't so broken. one that isn't fractured and corrupt and dis-eased. it will be paradise. and all the gardens will be full of flowers that broke themselves to get that way. this is what i'm after. this is where i'm headed. and at the risk of sounding snobby, unless others reframe their understanding of... peace... i doubt we'll be in the same world. i'm actually not being snobby. i'm sure they'll land in a paradise of their own. but this explains why we won't be in the same one. trippy. one thing i do know, though. relationships have proven to me to be one of the most awakening tools. that, and art. they catalyze a quickening that is impossible to ignore. which is only a good thing.

of course, i do see the beauty in the breaking. i'm "perfectlybroken" ladies and gents! i think my mind trips on definitions of "breaking" and "broken" and all sorts of nuances therein. i break myself, and will break the world to be who i am. and who i am is me, you, god, pure consciousness, pure love. and when i break with that intention and motivation, that grace and eloquence, it doesn't look like breaking. it looks like growing.

right then, class. we all sufficiently confused? success!

what i learned, the revival.

that's right folks. this new A-Lo blogger nation means once again i will be re-capping what i learned, weekly, daily or whenever i feel like it. don't like it? blog yourself.

here we go.

i learned that curbs can flatten tires if hit just right. and the amusement potential is highest when there are plenty of onlookers. that i can see the faces of friends, even when i can't see my own, even in pitch black darkness. that fashion show runways are much smaller in person, like court rooms and actors. that i am not too classy, cool or old to sleep fully clothed in strange beds. twice in one week, different beds each time. that playlists save lives, too. that my highest self has my back, always, even when i don't know it. especially then. that yes, everything changes, but that can mean a seed growing into a tree. it doesn't have to mean that the seed is replaced by something totally different, like for example, a hammer (but sometimes that is the change and i gotta roll with it. it all just depends). that "rollin with it" is easier without edges. that one day all of this will make more sense. even the flat tire thing.

ps: what does the pic have to do with any of this? nothing. not everything has to be related or even have a point, people! jeebs. but i do think the shirt is cute and i'm wearing one of my brill necklaces. handmay! :)

"Be courageous enough to grow into the flower you are meant to be."

"flora" by nicoletta ceccoli

athena brought back some art from a curio in amsterdam
by nicoletta ceccoli which is absolutely to love love love.
maybe i'll post a pic of the one she brought that i framed,
but i just adore this one, too.

when we were kids we used to dance
and spin around with our arms out wide,
and dad called us little flower girls
little flowers
dancing
spinning
hugging the sky
cuz we could
kissing the sun
understood

---

[here's "angelica" framed]

good morning.

this is how i meditate.

out the box, bitchez.

ok so, i've decided to become a blogger. much as i dislike the term, after discussing it with a couple of my cohorts, i've realized that it's the best for everyone involved. and yes, that includes you.

the point of this blog used to be business-specific, i.e. relating to my adventures in LALA Land. but, well, quite frankly, that's what we call boh-raaaang. if you want to read about the trials and tribulations of an actress trying to make it in H-Wood, i'm sure there are plenty of other blahgs you can peep.

now, i may mention acting, the "biz" (and yes, i will use quotation marks thusly, cuz they are appropriate when the word is spelled like that and means what it does), and work type stuff.

BUT.

i will also use this space to record various random neural firings, and not all of it will make sense. poetry, pictures, little gems of wisdom, babble, a veritable cornucopia of grey matter. but at least it will be interesting. actually interesting. i will probably not use proper punctuation, nor capitalization, but anyone who knows me, knows that it's intentional (and therefore proper in a certain light. the alyssa lobit light).

so, for this landmark grand re-opening, i will talk about something extremely personal:

i colored my hair (again) today. i've gone from black (for "mourning my heart") to brown (for The Things We Carry) to blonde (for trying something new). and now, i'm back to black. ish. and i must say, i'm feelin it.

for a long time i've kept my hair a certain color or not left town cuz of my dedication to being an A+ acting client. well, fuck that anymore (o, and i will probably be profane here and there, but that, too, is proper for me). i have been teacher's pet as a client, and stayed after and done extra credit work, and where has this gotten me?? i've done some commercials (Bell Atlantic/Verizon, Pringles, Nokia and Kia [i know, wtf are the chances]). i've done a lot of theater, short films and i made a movie on my own (with the loving support and help of a bunch of other people, but you dig what i'm sayin). so, to re-cap, it has gotten me: boh-raaang!! i still would've been able to do the above and probably would've had a lot more fun if i didn't feel like a hostage, my look dictated by my latest headshot. given recent happenings, which have actually been marinating for the last year and half or more, i have taken back my power to look however i wake up, and go wherever my little feet take me. bravo alyssa! welcome to duh.

so then, my change in hair color isn't just an act of revolt against the biz'n'ass. it is also a very stereotypical response to some things goin on in my personal life. and no, i'm not gonna go into all that. but i have to say, it helps to change up the old hair color. and yes, i did it out of the box. out of a box. miss clairol, i believe.

so there you go. new hair color. everything always has a deeper meaning than that which is staring you in the face. it goes inward, forever. outward, forever. like the rabbit hole. welcome.