Sunday, February 22, 2009

change cannot exist in a world without fear.


in my opinion, pretending that there will ever be a time when no insecurities or doubts or fears come up is a waste and a lie. it is as in meditation: i do not seek to cease thoughts from coming. they will come. i seek to gently push them aside, allow them to pass through, or send them back into the void from which they came. this is my way. because as with all things on this planet and existence, duality exists. fear does exist. it is in my capacity to see above that that i can be an experience of pure love. but to deny the yin and yang, to deny alpha and omega, is to deny part of existence, the universe, what is and is not. it is when they are both at once and not at all that there is peace and purity. but both need be present for such a state to be. and being is what i'm into.

that said, i will not say i'll never be insecure or uncertain. i may be, and i will gently let it swoosh by, as an observer, not attached to it, and let it not attach to me.

some seem to think that at some point i will have enough success to not ever have doubt, uncertainty, fear. and i will ask those to examine their own path as proof. the ones w
ho've had much "success," in whatever form. manifesting their goals into reality. making money. achieving notoriety. completing their game plans. or even, simply, being happy. and yet these people are constantly working toward more, evolving. not "more" as in "not enough," but "more" as in change and growth. it is the only constant, in fact. look at nature. even if it is super slow, it is happening. it is happening so slowy, but it is happening. i will give you that i hope to attain a stillness that resembles a plant, non-movement, non-existence. but it will still be there, tiny, tiny little movements. change doesn't occur out of same-ness. and a complete lack of something, i.e. fear, is same-ness. change cannot exist in a world without fear. it is what i do with that fear. it is whether i allow it to stick to me or move past. and i intend to allow it to move past me, thru me, or i will cast it on the divinity within me. but it will exist, come again. and to deny that is to deny this being i call mySelf. fear is a tool. and i aim to be aware of it, instead of suddenly ambushed by it, and i will use it to my own ends, regardless of what it had in mind.

things do have to break to change. creation and destruction. but i don't think that breaking must recklessly occur between people. that breaking is ideally within me. at a microscopic level, i hope. that is where i intend to get. to be. i touch it and feel it... i do. and it will come to a point where it is mostly what i touch and feel, and the in betweens and it are almost indiscernable. and the breaking looks like it's not happening at all. but then one day i'm a flower, full bloom. and then i'll wither and die and sprout again and all of it is in the blink of eternity. maybe this doesn't make sense to anyone. it doesn't have to. but it is why i've broken in the past. and i want not to break my heart more than it needs to be done. it starts as far out as i can imagine. the breaking stars, planets, countries, cities, people, friends, l
overs, and then keeps coming in to me, my heart, my mind, my self, my higher self. i aim to contain the breaks to my self, possibly between me and my higher self. and mind you, these tiny ones, these tiny snaps, they are almost not there. almost. they are smaller than the firing of nerve endings. the kind of small that i can only see with my eyes closed because anything else is outside of me, outside of my cells, too big.

i do not want to break stars, planets, countries, cities, people, friends or lovers. and the irony is that if i don't, if i can manage to focus in like a laser and contain it to where it truly belongs, these things outside of me don't break in a reckless way. when i can be a plant, slow-mo change that the human eye can't discern, nothing outside of me breaks. it is symbiosis. so perhaps it's more a matter of discovery, this discovery, leading to the shift that will create the reality, manifest that version of is where i find myself surrounded by lovers, friends, people... a world... outward for infinite, that isn't so broken. one that isn't fractured and co
rrupt and dis-eased. it will be paradise. and all the gardens will be full of flowers that broke themselves to get that way. this is what i'm after. this is where i'm headed. and at the risk of sounding snobby, unless others reframe their understanding of... peace... i doubt we'll be in the same world. i'm actually not being snobby. i'm sure they'll land in a paradise of their own. but this explains why we won't be in the same one. trippy. one thing i do know, though. relationships have proven to me to be one of the most awakening tools. that, and art. they catalyze a quickening that is impossible to ignore. which is only a good thing.

of course, i do see the beauty in the breaking. i'm "perfectlybroken" ladies and gents! i think my mind trips on definitions of "breaking" and "broken"
and all sorts of nuances therein. i break myself, and will break the world to be who i am. and who i am is me, you, god, pure consciousness, pure love. and when i break with that intention and motivation, that grace and eloquence, it doesn't look like breaking. it looks like growing.

right then, class. we all sufficiently confused? success!